After the Love has Gone… Earth, Wind, Fire & Lamentation

Oh, after the love has gone
How could you lead me on
And not let me stay around?
Oh, after the love has gone
What used to be right is wrong
Can love that’s lost be found?

I couldn’t sleep well last night. I was surprised at how uncomfortable I was even briefly mentioning my experience with melanoma in my previous blog post, as well as discussing cancer during my speaking engagement last night. Due to this discomfort, I decided to shift my energy and focus on my past relationships with men. I know what you’re thinking…a SUPERLATIVE choice to delve into a super comfy and cozy space!

It was strangely comforting. Here’s why:

  • For many years throughout my adult life, I mostly avoided pondering past relationships
  • I’ve become far more intimate with my own self. (Get your mind out of the gutter.)
  • Due to my intimacy with myself, I think I finally understand what being in love is, and what it isn’t
  • I’ve spent more than a decade almost solely dedicated to raising my kids and overworking and I am finally prepared for more
  • I’ve learned that I’m fairly lovable
  • I am healthy and comfortable enough in my own skin to make a good love prospect for a man who is also healthy and comfortable in his own skin

I am not exactly sure why, but I have heard, “I love you,” or , “I’m in love with you,” come out of the mouths of numerous men, and not for the sole purpose of getting in my pants. Most men who have said this have told me that I make them feel special and like they’re the only man in the room. There must be something to that if I’ve heard it from so many sources.

Just to be clear, most of the men I’m referencing I have not been intimate with, or as “Borat” would say, we did not engage in “sexy time.” I love though and very deeply. I love and invest a lot in human beings and sometimes, this can be perceived as a confusing message for men. I totally take that on.

I have only experienced unrequited love a few times over the years, and I can say that it’s without a doubt, a total set up for self-loathing. No thanks on that one. If I’m not loved by you, I’m out of this love scene, even if the sex is good.

As far as the love being “gone,” as the Earth, Wind & Fire lyric laments, I don’t really think love ever leaves. If it does, I don’t think it’s really love. Does that make sense? It does to me.

As many of my close family and friends know, I have not felt the need to “partner up” with anyone since my divorce more than five years ago. This is still true. What isn’t true is that I’m totally closed to the idea. I’m not anymore. I’m super open, but not actually looking. I think this is demonstrative of an individual who is mentally, emotionally and spiritually prepared for love.

But, what do I know?

Just in case you’re Hugh Jackman or Bradley Cooper and you’re reading this, here’s the type of man I find really interesting:

  • A man who is comfortable in his own skin, and is comfy stating when he’s uncomfortable in his skin. If a guy is ALWAYS comfy, he’s probably not that comfy in his own skin
  • A man who has a great sense of humor. Not too sarcastic, and absolutely NOT sarcastic at the expense of another human being
  • A man who isn’t “a yeller”
  • A man who understands and practices being of service to others
  • A man who enjoys a good debate
  • A man who fulfills his promises and is action oriented more than someone who just talks a lot about what he might do someday if he gets to it when he has time, maybe
  • A man who is as honest as he can be
  • A man who loves children and fur babies
  • A man who appreciates my views on and commitment to social justice, human rights, white privilege, bigotry, anti-Semitism and Islamophobia. He doesn’t have to agree with all of my opinions but he sure has to respect them. We have to have some core values in common
  • A man who enjoys and embraces the creativity, fun and exploration of “sexy time”
  • A man who either drinks in moderation or not at all. The same rules apply for drugs
  • A man who doesn’t smoke cigarettes or chew tobacky
  • A man who has faith that “every little thing, gonna be alright”

It’s pretty exciting for me to know myself well enough to craft the above bullet points. They are all 100% true and non-negotiable.

Now that I think of it, Hugh Jackman is already out because he’s married. Bradley, if you’re reading this, do these bullet points explain you? If so, send me your digits or ping me.

Last night, as I reflected on my past relationships with men, I realized I’ve never experienced the relationship I’m really interested in having. This is not a reflection on any of these men, but rather a truth about myself. I just wasn’t prepared to be a great partner to anyone.

I have made amends to some of my exes and am friends with most of them. No matter what they did or how they behaved, it was and is essential to keep my side of the street clean. We are good.

I’m nearly 50 years old, and finally ready to date and in many ways, for the very first time.

Oh, oh, oh, and if we can’t work it out
you should know, without a doubt
I will always be the one you can turn to
A friend until the end, no matter where we’ve been
Sometimes you can’t hold on
You got to give it space – yea yea




Author: PKW

Writer, Speaker, Facilitator, Trainer, Fundraiser, Strategist, Listener, and Lover of Humans. My love for humans and relationship building are a part of every single thing I do, except for maybe using the bathroom.

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