Earlier today, I was doing a major “happy dance.” At long last, after debating whether we had chosen hell or high water, or both, our house wasn’t flooded. Our home was dry and cozy!!!
Then, tonight came…
B A T H T I M E!
Yep, there’s water dripping from ceilings in our new home and areas where the ceiling has been removed due to water damage. As I mentioned in my previous blog post, our house has been leaking, dripping and flooding for as long as we’ve lived here, which is only just over one week, but feels like longer.
The flooding is actually far worse than before Ted, the plumber, worked on the issue/s. While none of this is fun and pretty energy sucking, I have been surprisingly chipper through almost all of it. (Okay, there was that one day I passionately blurted out an expletive that begins with the letter, “F.”)
So, as my children bathed tonight on the third floor, I was on the second floor, trying to strategically catch water in the bowl I always use when I’m making homemade cookies. The water was coming so fast, I ran to grab the eight towels I’d just laundered from the last flood. From the laundry room, I sprinted like hell into the kitchen to grab a GIGANTIC chocolate chip cookie. You know, one of those “healthy” organic cookies from Whole Foods that costs more than your Uncle Harvey’s toupée, but tastes worse than your Uncle Harvey’s toupée ?
So, there I was… back in the powder room, with one hand on a bowl catching water, looking up at the ceiling to locate the leaks, while simultaneously doing a Twyly Tharp-ian foot/towel dance, as I savagely ripped open the GIGANTIC cookie’s wrapper with my teeth, like a savage beast. Just then, I stopped doing everything. I placed the bowl on the floor beside the cookie wrapper, calmly shut the light and walked out of the room. I still had my GIGANTIC cookie with me.
I started to think about what inspired me, in all of this chaos of wetness, to go to the kitchen and grab that cookie?
I am not entirely sure, but I wondered if the cookie was my way of trying to plug a leak in me? Am I attempting to fill some void inside of me that I’m simply unaware of? It really didn’t feel that way to me at the time, and I’ve done a lot of work around emotional eating stuff. Plus, I feel happy and whole. So, what’s with the GIGANTIC cookie?
I’d like to tell you that I didn’t eat the entire GIGANTIC cookie, but I sure as hell did. I ate and enjoyed the entire thing even though it’s really not that delicious.
Now that it’s a few hours later, I realized that I forgot to eat dinner. I was so busy working and enjoying my children, that I completely forgot to eat dinner. I think I ate the GIGANTIC cookie, because I was hungry.
Sometimes, and I’m grateful to note this, not everything goes deep. Sometimes, we eat cookies because we forgot to eat dinner, and that’s it.
Everyone emotionally eats from time to time. C’mon, we all do it and many of us realize that there’s no amount or type of food that will fill our voids, plug our holes, fix our scars, etc. But tonight, I was simply forgetful and ensconced in the happiness of my life, so I forgot about dinner.
And just as I suspected, it’s pretty clear that there’s no hole present to fix in me. I’m already whole.
I think many people who experience painful struggles in their lives have the propensity to go very deep into finding reasons why things happen, or what propels them to take this or that action. Sometimes, it just isn’t deep, it simply doesn’t matter, and I’d even put it out there that over-seeking answers that can never really be answered might keep someone feeling they’re broken or damaged somehow. Isn’t it better and factually more accurate if I just walk ahead without overthinking about what inspired me to eat a Gigantic cookie?
And now, I sort of want ice cream or steamed broccoli, but I’m keeping it simple and heading for sweet dreams instead. I hope you’re heading there too.