Amor Fati, Mi Amor

FUN FACT: Sometimes, I wear pants that on the inside, give me positive affirmations –

Hi Beautiful!

I have one pair of pants that in metallic silver writing, says,

You are Gorgeous!

Cutting some slack

Years ago when I first bought these pants, I had no idea these affirmations existed. When I first noticed it in a public bathroom stall, I became slightly tickled and giggly until I stopped giggling. My energy shifted to cranky. I remember thinking something like,

Holy crap. Soon, I’ll be an old woman who requires love from the inside of my pants because no human being will be around to tell me I’m beautiful and loved. Who needs these stupid pants?! When J and C move out of the house,  I’ll surely be a curmudgeonly cat lady whose destiny is to die alone while wearing a horrific housecoat. They won’t find me for at least a week.


Dramatic Dramatization

Perhaps I went too far with the drama there.


Before I was diagnosed with melanoma, I had stopped wearing the positively irritating pants.

A few days ago,  thanks to chocolate, cookie and cake consumption at warp speed, I started wearing the pants again. I didn’t need the boost, I needed the comfort waistband.

Just yesterday, I was in another public bathroom stall, I looked at the inside of my pants and read the message aloud,

You are Gorgeous!

While I half expected the woman in the next stall to say, “Why, thank you! to me, I realized that the outer shell of me has totally lost its weight; its importance.  The insides and actions of human beings, including myself, define what actual beauty is for me.

In my youth and really, up until a few short years ago, I was consumed with my physical appearance and was never, ever satisfied with it. I was a die hard mirror hater.

When I had a somewhat disfiguring surgery several years ago, I despised my left leg for a solid six months. It took me half of one precious year to realize how lucky I was to:

  1. Be alive and melanoma free
  2. Walk
  3. Have eyes that can see my leg
  4. Have hands to put on hideous compression stockings
  5. Treasure willingness and a strong desire to be as kind as possible
  6. Watch my daughters advance, retreat and advance again
  7. Help others
  8. Learn and teach
  9. Love
  10. Be loved

I remember seeing things so clearly once I realized how blessed I was, no matter what was happening, good or bad. It was around then that I became keenly aware that I loved my fate no matter what was happening. Good, bad, ugly, etc.

Today, at less than two weeks from my 50th birthday, something very difficult and painful has come up for someone I love very much. While I feel a strong urge to write, “You’re gorgeous, ” or “Hi Beautiful,” on the inside of all of her clothing, as well as shake her until she can see how amazing she is, I know it won’t make a damned bit of difference. She has to figure it out for herself and in her own time and space. I just pray she opens up to see the truth about herself before things become more dire.

With the struggles of my loved one, I haven’t focused on my Chai Campaign in the manner in which I initially intended to when I launched the campaign. It’s been necessary for me to shift my focus, which I accept wholeheartedly. Sometimes life throws us curves. We don’t always reach what we think are our goals but I believe this is because we may not be privy to what the actual goals are.

I have an $18,000 fundraising goal by the end of the year. The campaign is at 40% and has been at 40% for several days now. If you’ve ever loved me, liked me, learned from me, laughed with me, just want to make a philanthropic gift or are in some way delighted that I actually might make it to my 50th birthday, I’d take great joy in witnessing you making a donation to the Chai to Pam at 50 campaign. In actuality, this campaign has everything to do with my core values. There is nothing I am really wanting for in my own personal life. “Stuff” just doesn’t do it for me. What rocks my world is helping others and if we can help create leaders of the future and those leaders make this world better, THAT is what moves me. The funds that go to the continuation of the STEM (science, technology, engineering and math) program at the de Gunzburg School in St. Petersburg help create endless possibilities for disadvantaged youth and their families in the former Soviet Union. The funding is an absolute life-changer.

Holy cow. How’d this post turn into a fundraising plea? But seriously… if you have the dough, it would move mountains for me if you donated to this campaign. If you don’t have dough, or you just don’t want to donate or share the campaign because you don’t feel like it, I will always cut you some slack, and likely, I still have mad love for you.

All is exactly as it should be.

Amor Fati, Mi Amor… THIS is what I want on the inside and outside of all of our pants.


Author: PKW

Writer, Speaker, Facilitator, Trainer, Fundraiser, Strategist, Listener, and Lover of Humans. My love for humans and relationship building are a part of every single thing I do, except for maybe using the bathroom.

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