I’m good. I’m fine.
I tell myself that even when I am physically sick, I am somehow charged with at least making the effort to will myself well. I try this every single time I am ill, and I never succeed. Today is no different.
I probably can’t finish this blog post in one fell swoop, because I feel really sick on a physical level, which means I am not really good for showing up fully, in any part of my life. The smart, pragmatic part of me, (which is slowly growing), tells me, “Rest.” Actually, in my head, it’s more like, “Hey lunatic! What in the hell is wrong with you? Get your ass into bed! When will you learn not to try and box with nature? If you vacuum the floor and do ORT work, you’ll just take longer to heal!” (I can’t be sure, but it might be my mom’s voice.)
When I am this physically compromised, I have all sorts of great ideas.
- I should make filet mignon for Charlotte tonight. That will make her happy.
- I should make sauteed tofu for Juliette and get some hot & sour soup too. I should make that. Let me find the recipe.
- I need to do this flowchart for ORT immediately or something won’t flow right.
- I should buy a house today. Let me find that one house I saw that one time, I think.
- I wonder if it’s safe to have a tummy tuck in Brazil. Let me look at and study the reviews.
- If I’m having a tummy tuck in Brazil, where else should I visit while I’m there recovering from major surgery?
- I should move to Brazil and then just have surgery locally.
- I need to color my hair before I leave for Brazil, and brush up on my dancing.
- If I were a better mother, I could make filet mignon and tofu and hot & sour soup.
Okay, all above-listed, obviously not my best thinking. I have learned one thing about being super sick and heinously exhausted:
DO NOT MAKE A BIG DECISION.
Beyond not making a BIG decision, I have learned not to trust my feelings of sadness while I feel this crappy. I always move back to the facts and not the feelings.
The fact is this – I need to be in bed. I need rest.
The other important fact is that I need to receive help from others. I am doing that. I also embrace certain aspects of me that I really love even if others think I’m totally bonkers. It has taken me a very long time to love these things about me:
- I love finding insanely stupid crap at Jewel.
- I love that I never take the closest parking space or the shortest line.
- I love most human beings, warts and all.
- I love that when I get a spinal tap, I am thinking about scenes from, “This is Spinal Tap.”
- I love my creative brain that thinks in choreography and comedy sketch, almost always.
- I love that I am going to stop writing now, and I am going to go rest because doctors know better than I do on some things.
- I love that I am teachable and have a hunger to learn.
I must rest. It must be my current personal mission. Even when I believe, I go to “11.” along with Nigel Tufnel’s amp, today, I must only go to bed.
I will now move forward today’s mission.