Sickness, Surrender, & Softness

When things feel extra craptastic, I always commit to finding the good in them. I like this about me. I’ve been trying to recover from a bout of viral meningitis and have run the gamut of feelings, (real or imagined):

  • Really sick –  Duh.
  • ExhaustedAlso, duh.
  • RelievedNot the strain of meningitis that can kill you
  • CrankyNot feeling better according to my preferred schedule and plans
  • Downright CurmudgeonlySeriously, I should be a lot better by now
  • Ugly – How can I be this hideous? As soon as I’m better, I’m changing my entire look and/or removing all mirrors and reflective devices
  • ArrogantI will control this and shall will myself into tip-top shape, because I am just that awesome
  • Pissed offCrap. I can’t control this at all and now, I’m pissed about it. 
  • Sad – Poor me. There is nothing awesome about me and I am failing my family, friends, ORT colleagues, and strangers I may meet someday. I excel at bupkes
  • GuiltyHow can I possibly spend one second feeling sad, when people are suffering in Houston, Corpus Christi, India, etc.
  • GratefulMy family and friends are extraordinary, helpful and they love me immeasurably
  • Lovable – I am lovable, period. I don’t have to inquire as to why I am lovable, I just am
  • SurrenderedThis illness is bigger than me. I must rest my body even if my brain, heart and soul want to help repair the world
  • OpenListening to and accepting my limitations as I take esteem-able actions to help the healing process
  • Soft. Very softI am not a super hero, a genius, a rock star, or a big, fat loser. I am a compromised human being. Acceptance of this fact, is a powerful and necessary strategy if I am going to get well.

Last week, when I was receiving a spinal tap, I was feeling as sick as I have ever felt in my entire life. Still, I had the wherewithal to enjoy my own sense of humor while the procedure was going on. I envisioned Harry Shearer as Derek Smalls in This is Spinal Tap, when his pod won’t open for an entire song. This scene, and actually the entire film brings me to teary laughter. Naturally, I had to stay still for the actual spinal tap which wasn’t a problem while I was in that state.

This Is Spinal Tap 3
Derek is on the left. I relate to him in a big way.

I’ve walked through (rested, horizontally), a great number of feelings that moved to facts during the past week and a half. As in typical fashion, I always locate the benefits and lessons from something that appears seemingly negative:

  • While my strategic head takes a powder, simplifying my strategy is a better strategy than my original strategy
  • I do all I can to be of service to others, even while very ill, (Houston), because this is a core value that sickness can’t change
  • I am a soft, sensual woman and not an unstoppable freight train of enthusiasm. I am reminded of my womanliness, my inherent desires and how wonderful that really is.
  • I’ve spent a lot of valuable time and energy dating myself. I’ve enjoyed it. For references regarding dating me, please contact me for a glowing reference
  • Mindfulness is always an important practice for me. I must ALWAYS make time to practice mindfulness
  • I am contagious because I am good, not because I have a virus (Thanks to my daughter for helping me to see that.)
  • I am open to love. I’m incredibly discerning, but open
  • I’m optimistic. Ultimately and without exception, I see the light and I get busy moving forward toward that light, even if getting busy means stopping everything

And now, it’s time to stop everything and rest toward the light. I will meet you there when I am able.


Author: PKW

Writer, Speaker, Facilitator, Trainer, Fundraiser, Strategist, Listener, and Lover of Humans. My love for humans and relationship building are a part of every single thing I do, except for maybe using the bathroom.

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