This morning, the dogs woke me at butt o’clock, A.K.A. 4:20AM. I bundled up and took them for a long, slippery walk. It was crisp, dark and slightly foggy. I was moved to take photos because it was just so beautiful outside. I was grateful to my pups who forced me to be out and about in the quiet, without any cars or cares. After I snapped the photos, I put my camera away so I could be fully present for my walk. I tried to extend my freedom from thought or worry about anything in my day to day life. My brain, body and spirit are continuously seeking a breather no matter how brief it may be.
After about twenty minutes, the first car passed by us and I snapped out of my meditative, mindful state. I am still so pleased for the twenty minutes of bliss.
I don’t really like to kvetch or complain, but there are moments when being a single, working mom with a demanding job becomes waaaay too heavy for my muscles.
Today, I really wanted an understudy to step in for me, for just a few hours. As I practiced some self-care, which I knew I needed, it wasn’t enough for me. What I really wanted was to be taken care of by someone else. I don’t often (let myself) experience these feelings as I did this morning. I also acknowledge that others don’t take care of me much and that says more about me than anyone else. It tells me a few things about myself:
- I am not great at asking for help.
- I may not be open to anyone when I’m pretty desperate to be cared for by another person.
- I don’t actually know who that person or people would even be, which says nothing about my loved ones and everything about my struggle to open up to others.
- I may go way past depletion before I actually realize I should have asked for help months ago.
- I am still practicing perfectionism without even realizing it.
- All of the above.
When I think about the fact that I’m showing my under belly here, I know I’m among an enormous group of people – single and married, men and women. So, I want to make sure we all remember we’re not alone, even when we work hard to go it alone.
I also needed to tell on myself in a public way. Now, I am accountable for working on being more open to asking for and accepting help.
I feel better now that I’ve told on myself, but if you want to be my understudy for a while and you come to me and enthusiastically offer to take the role and I decline, please call me out on it.
Sending love, exhaustion and respect to all parents. I am especially sending loving empathy to those at the helm at home and at work. May we all remember (and utilize) our supporting actors and crew and when we forget, may we remind and carry each other.