Releasing the Hunt for the Ghastly Girl

March 20th: my real birthday.

March 20, 2018

I lost my voice today due to a hefty bout of laryngitis. I mostly reveled in being silenced on this very important day and I’m pretty sure my kids enjoyed my silence more than I did! Continue reading “Releasing the Hunt for the Ghastly Girl”

Haunting Dead-lines and Hydration

Over the holiday weekend, as I enthusiastically participated in one of my favorite conferences of the entire year, I had several work deadlines hanging over my head. I kept trying to center myself and be as present in the moment as I could, but the pressure of having to produce, kept haunting me. Continue reading “Haunting Dead-lines and Hydration”

Depression Has Nothing to do with Rights

I never wonder if I, or anyone else has “the right to be depressed.” I think the very idea seems way off. Throughout my life, I have heard others validate or invalidate individuals (and sometimes, me), on whether enduring depression is acceptable,“ridiculous,” or to be expected. It seems to me, these opinions appear to be based almost solely on measurable logistics. For example,  Continue reading “Depression Has Nothing to do with Rights”

Mirrors, Photos, & a Reality Touch

Ever since social media took flight, I have posted a slew of photos of myself in various states of being. This act has garnered a mixed response from my family, friends, acquaintances and virtual strangers. Some people see it as incredibly vain while others perceive an exceedingly confident woman who finds her physical appearance and its twists and turns, interesting.

It’s really neither of those things, I think. Continue reading “Mirrors, Photos, & a Reality Touch”

Feelings… wo wo wo… Feelings

I spend a great deal of time and energy thinking, writing about, examining, preaching, ripping apart and putting back together, all things about “FEELINGS.” I have no doubt that this is time and energy well spent. (This is your cue to roll your eyes.)

Time and time again, embracing feelings and the depth of feelings that I feel or have felt, almost immediately turns me to examining facts – I am an ardent supporter and believer in evaluating and trusting facts over feelings, but processing feelings is a MUST.  Continue reading “Feelings… wo wo wo… Feelings”

The Ugly Truth About the Weight of Beauty

Yesterday, I posted some photos of my daughters on social media. They’d been out of the country for a few weeks, so when they returned a few nights ago, I posted their photos like the insanely thrilled mom I was, to see them, spend time with them and hug and kiss them.

Aside from my two daughters encompassing inner beauty – depth, compassion, philanthropic awareness and serious smarts, they are also beautiful on a base external level. I don’t think I’m biased just because I’m their mom, I’ve noticed that the physical attributes of my daughters receive a great deal of attention from a large and diverse audience.

For every compliment on their physical appearance I receive, (which has little if anything to do with me), I just smile and try to say, “Thank you,” without saying,

Their looks aren’t what’s most interesting about them and I wish more people would focus on who they are from the inside out.

And things like,

They’re going to drive the boys crazy.

LOCK HER/THEM UP.

…sigh…

These generous complimentary people are kind and very well-meaning and most of them, I love and respect very much. Plus, I agree that my daughters are physically beautiful. I also realize that if photos are posted by me, I expose people to their physical looks and not their clever wit, charm, genius brains and huge hearts. Their compliments are lovely, but I don’t share any of them with my daughters and that is intentional.

I never want them to think their value is tied to their physical appearance. Our society dictates enough of this. Let me be a safe haven from that.

When people kvell over my daughters’ looks, there are times, where I find myself wanting to scream or at the very least, protect them. For far too many years of my life, I became almost totally reliant on my outer shell. So much so, that my innards became atrophied. This is something I intentionally stress with my daughters because I know how empty it feels to think being attractive is the most important part of me and if I lose my looks, I am nothing. or, a man is only interested in me because:

  1. He thinks I’m pretty/cute
  2. I have a flat stomach and 9% body fat
  3. I am a dancer and contortionist
  4. All of the above

My youngest daughter is comfortable with who she is, and my teenager, continuously finds the flaws in her skin, hair, body, etc. It hurts me to the core when I hear her saying negative things about her physical appearance. The rub is that I totally understand it and empathize with her. While I was considered cute, or pretty or whatever, I never actually thought it about myself. I never felt thin enough, my nose wasn’t perfect enough, and my hair was enormous and curly, etc. So basically, I put all of the weight of my own self-value into something, (my outer shell), I didn’t even find all that pleasing.

When my teenager beats the crap out of her looks, I often find myself thinking, “I wish you’d put this energy into apologizing to your sister for being mean to her.”

Now that I’m older and definitely wiser, I understand that I couldn’t really appreciate my outer shell because my insides were totally stunted. Now, my insides are pretty great and my outsides have shifted and aged. I feel more beautiful today than when I was seen as really beautiful. I’ll take it any day over how I felt as a young person.

Several years ago, a blog post changed my life and how I parent my girls. If you have daughters or people in your life who struggle with their self-worth, I highly recommend you read this and then practice at it. It literally changed how I talk to my own daughters and frankly, how I talk to myself.

How to Talk to Your Daughter About Her Body

The suggestions in this article are incredibly helpful. I hope it helps you and anyone else who doesn’t know in actuality, how really beautiful they are.

Happy growing.

you are beatufiul

Easy Exorcise: Fear of Public Speaking

Continue reading “Easy Exorcise: Fear of Public Speaking”