Every so often, I don’t want to post or go public with the truth about myself. Right now, I’d prefer to post a comparative analysis of my body measurements, weight and BMI from age 18 to present day, or even post a daily food intake journal that demonstrates my consumption of three pieces of cake, more than I want to publish a post that states that I had, over the past several days, been feeling pretty down. I was stricken with fear, self-doubt and partial paralysis of my left brain, which in Pam-speak, translates to, “Quit now because you’ll never do or be anything you can actually feel good about. You’ve already failed, and when push comes to shove, you are wholly unlovable.”
Now, where’s the rest of that cake?
While all of this doubt and fear is pretty ridiculous and scarcely based on anything real, while immersed in it, it sure feels real.
I was feeling fermisht, fershlugina and fertummelt.
For the purpose of not repeating those great Yiddish words that I recommend you look up and incorporate into your vocabulary immediately, we’ll call it, “F-cubed.”
I was “F-cubed,” which isn’t the same as being that other swear word that starts with “f.”
Of course, I was also fearful, so that counts too, so “F-quad,” is more accurate.
Blech. Ew. Ick… I was “F-quad.” Geez, what if I consider myself a total failure? Then “F-quint?” Enough already, I’m sticking with “F-quad.”
So what precipitated this “F-quad,” depressive state for me? Moving, flooding, money and fear of not having enough of it to support my kids, not believing I’m able to move ahead with a career path I have so much passion for and feel driven to do, etc.
After rolling around in this state for a hefty 36 hours or so, I decided to STOP. I stopped looking at job postings I didn’t want, I stopped beating myself to a pulp, I stopped trying to fix whatever was going on inside of me and simply decided to take some deep breaths. After reminding myself to breathe, my daughter and I baked cakes, I made some phone calls to see how other people were doing, walked the dog, brushed the cat, vacuumed, (which is my favorite mindfulness activity), and just walked through the fear.
Like everything does, the “F-quad” passed. As believable as the fear and doubt seemed at the time, it no longer is.
And now, my gut tells me to spend my time wisely tonight, by researching low-cost tummy tuck options available in South America, or to memorize the “As Seen On TV” products that I might actually utilize and cost less than $19.95, but still come with a free fanny pack or something of that ilk, or go on Craigslist to sell an extra LoveSac Pillowsac because no one in their right mind needs two.
These are all fun and/or good ideas and exactly what I’m going to do after I publish this post.
Tomorrow, I’ll wake up and do all of the things I thought I needed to do when I was feeling like crap. I’ll be reading the same job postings, reviewing the same bills and I hope like hell, I remember to keep breathing. I’m feeling optimistic that I’ll be breathing.
There is always a solution as long as we’re breathing and that, is not a feeling, but a fact.
So now, I’m “F-single.” Just sticking with the facts.