Illness – Pamela Klier-Weidner (PKW)

“Just Think Positive!” …sigh…

I urge you to challenge your own biases where mental illness is concerned. As you read this, you may be thinking you’re not biased. If this is actually true, you’re amazing.

If you have a loved one who suffers from major depressive or bipolar disorder, anxiety, BPD, PTSD, c-PTSD etc., and they may even be suicidal or have suicidal ideation, I have compiled a list of things said to me by well-meaning loved ones who sought only to support me. With their words, I was left feeling even worse than I already did. So, I’m giving mere suggestions here in this blog post, based on my own personal experience.

ABCs of 5779 & 5780

During this transition into 5780, I decided to do an exercise: to sum up this past year and vision for year to come, in less than five minutes.

I forced myself not to overthink, but to fly through a list that I believe is the truth – the good, the bad and the ugly. There was a lot of ugly in 5779, but toward its close, my family and I experienced more hope in our “Happy House.” May it represent better things to come for me, my family, you, your family and humankind.

Afflicted
Burdened
Crafty
Dumped
Exit
Freaked
Genuine
Happy House
Inventive
Job
Kicked
Loved
Mishegas
No
Prayer
Quandary
Responsibilities
Scary
Tricky
Unjust
Vacant
Whipped
X-rated
You (Yeah, YOU.)
Zapped

Authentic
Better
Caressed
Defused
Energized
Free
Gentle
Hopeful
Illuminated
Jerusalem
Knowledge
Loved
Mom
No
Open
Present
Quiet
Renewed
Simple
Tranquil
Unencumbered
Visionary
Well
Xenophile
Yippee
Zeal

Shana Tova. Even if you feel it more sour than sweet, may we have the patience to wait out the sour until it transitions into sweetness.

XO, Pamegranate

Sickness, Surrender, & Softness

When things feel extra craptastic, I always commit to finding the good in them. I like this about me. I’ve been trying to recover from a bout of viral meningitis and have run the gamut of feelings, (real or imagined): Continue reading “Sickness, Surrender, & Softness”

Under Ar(rest) & Truthful Ad(mission)s

I’m good. I’m fine.

I’m lying.

I tell myself that even when I am physically sick, I am somehow charged with at least making the effort to will myself well. I try this every single time I am ill, and I never succeed. Today is no different. Continue reading “Under Ar(rest) & Truthful Ad(mission)s”

A Fear of Peaks (and Valleys)

As I stand at the base of the highest mountain I have ever seen, I squint to view its highest peak. I try to appraise what it will take to reach its top. How can anyone possibly live through this painful and dangerous climb? I try to count all of its jagged edges above the timberline, but there are too many to track. I panic. I don’t know anything about the other side of the mountain. I acknowledge that my understanding of this risky venture can only be accurately evaluated by walking to the other side of the mountain along its base. Continue reading “A Fear of Peaks (and Valleys)”

This Day and National Recovery Month.

I almost hate to put the anniversary of 9/11/01 beside National Recovery Month, but everything seems to connect somehow to that fateful day, getting real and honest about the impact of it, and getting real and honest about how we cope or can’t cope is what connects us to recovery.

Today, in the year 2001, everything changed. I can only speak for me, but as inherently fearful and geared toward sadness as I was before 9/11, the volume of my fear and sadness resounded at a higher decibel and with more frequency.

It still does, but I work very hard to locate a peaceful and serene volume and that happens almost solely by working with and helping others.

I am currently in my 19th year of sobriety, but up until this year, I had absolutely no idea there was a, National Recovery Month. Continue reading “This Day and National Recovery Month.”

A Closed Heart is Heartbreaking, but it Melts.

Disclaimer: This post is about feelings more than it is about facts.

FACT: I stopped being capable of feeling my feelings and it nearly broke my heart.

Every so often, when I read other people’s writing and they spew about their feelings, I think, “This feels like masturbation that’s been typed out.” (Yes, I know that’s judgmental, but while I periodically judge, I also quite enjoy these emotive posts.) If you think that’s what I’m doing in my posts, well… I hope you don’t think I’m doing this in my posts. I don’t really write for me, I write for you. I’d rather think of my writing as a way to engage with you and if you’re struggling to get past something, or think you’re the only one who thinks or feels a certain way, you’re not. If anything resonates with you and gives you some hope or less aloneness, this has purpose.

On a side note, masturbation also has its purpose, but I’m not going to get into that right now.

Earlier this year, the shackles which “guarded” my heart for many decades, flew open. Continue reading “A Closed Heart is Heartbreaking, but it Melts.”