Every so often, I get a wicked bout of insomnia. It used to strike with more frequency when I was younger and not so mellow and low-keyed, but it’s back and with a vengeance.
Insomnia is cruel, mean and also pretty ruthless.
I think I know why I’m awake. I won’t get into the nitty gritty details. It’s your typical single-mom-work spinn-y type of madness, combined with late night bargaining with the “treat” cabinet. I like to think of it as “insomniac dreaming.”
A dialogue sample from the sleepless committee, “insomniac dreaming” in my head:
Hey! I got the Reduced Fat Ruffles, (for the kids), so if I eat the whole bag, I won’t eat as much fat as if I’d have eaten an entire bag of full fat Ruffles. This is a good plan. Even better, I have those “Sensible Portions” Veggie Crisps! I can eat the whole canister because the name is “SENSIBLE PORTIONS.” Plus, even though they totally look like Pringles, they’re green. That’s healthy. So, if I eat the Reduced Fat Ruffles and the entire canister of veggie crisps, I might as well grab the bag of Chips Ahoy. I’ll only have three…no, four. I like even numbers, but eight is my favorite number, so I’ll just have eight.
I am not going to eat anything. It’s after midnight. I should only have raw cauliflower and broccoli. The raw veggies are so healthy, I can have a few cookies. Okay, eight cookies.
Now, I want ice cream. Should I run out and get some ice cream?
And it goes on and on. So far, tonight is pretty good. There isn’t much bargaining about the “treat” cabinet. Of course, now, I’m thinking about it. No, I am NOT going to the “treat” cabinet.
I am far too busy ruminating over work projects. Eating will just be in the way of the clarity I will never achieve right now, because I’m too tired to be strategic or tactical.
Okay, I’ll write a blog post about how wide awake I am.
By the way, I practice mindfulness several times daily. I’m going to try it now. It’s 1:15AM. Hang on, I’m going to breathe and OM for a sec.
1:16AM. I’m going to bed. I’m sleepy. My eyes are burning. I feel like I look like Marty Feldman. I really love Marty Feldman but have yet to find comfort in looking more like him than me.
One final, hopeful word about insomnia. It won’t last forever. I imagine I’m just waiting for it to pass through me rather than angst about it.
Now, I’m sleepy. If you’re still awake and struggling with insomnia, you aren’t alone and eventually, you will sleep. My wish for you is that sleep arrives soon.
Insomnia isn’t your fault nor is it something to “fight.”
I am sending you sweet dreams whether you’re awake or asleep.